A New Lucky Hat, Out Damned Spot (Swindon Away) by Man in a Hat

 

Staying over in Swindon was mooted before the season even started, and upon first glance, it did seem to have a lot going for it.

 

However, the game’s proximity to the first round of The Cup, with the potential for an away trip somewhere really exotic, like Whitby, Eltham (where Cray Valley Paper Mills play at The Badgers) or even Worksop, meant that plans were put on hold pending the Cup Draw.

 

This could be why I ended up going on my own. Other reasons could be that many have already committed to long weekends in Morecambe (December) and Nottingham (January).

 

So, you’ll just have to come with me instead, on my first excursion of the season, as we attempt to find the 6 Good Beer Guide pubs, 2 Wetherspoons and 9 other pubs of interest in Swindon.

 

Introducing the Bobbleless Blue

 

I’ve started to routinely use Bask, which faces Stockport Station, when travelling any sort of distance on the train. The arrangement is that whilst I drink my coffee, they cook 2 fresh sausage rolls for me to take away for lunch. Perfect.

 

The train journey will last 3 hours 37 minutes, with just one change at Bristol Parkway, and we’ll arrive just in time to check in at the Travelodge near Swindon Station.

 

Bask is very busy with both young and old customers (nice to see), and Sky Sports News is announcing that DC has been awarded Manager of the Month again. Didn’t stop us last time did it?

 

We’re soon on the train, but the seat reservations aren’t working - again! The train has just 4 carriages and is packed. I manage to find a seat, but I’m afraid you’ll have to stand.

 

As you can see, today I’m wearing my 1883 polo-shirt, my County remembrance scarf, and my new lucky hat.

 

Following a poor start to the season for my various hats, all of which failed to secure any wins for County, even the Peaky Blinder, I decided to acquire a new lucky hat.

 

This was done during my trip to Ireland to watch Shelbourne play Sligo in the Irish Premier Division. Ahead of Sligo we spent a few nights in Galway, which included a day trip to the Aran Islands, globally famous for its knitwear.

It was there that I spotted my new lucky hat. A deep blue Merino wool knitted bobbleless bobble-hat produced by the Aran sweater market, with a traditional Aran knit pattern (looks like an antique tea-cosy).

 

It looks like this, but without the bobble>>>>>.

 

The new hat was duly road-tested at Sligo vs. Shelbourne, which Shels won on their way to qualifying for Europe next season.

 

Back in Stockport, the new lucky hat, which I have christened the Bobbleless Blue, made its debut at EP verses Crawley, which County eventually drew 3-3 after leading 2-0 and actually going behind before securing a point.

 

After the game, there were many doubters as to the luckiness of the hat, but they have all had their mouths firmly closed now.

 

The Blue Bobbleless now has a magnificent record of played 9, won 8, drawn 1, including triumphs at home to Wrexham (5-0 remember that one?) away at Accrington, at home to Grimsby and away at Crewe (what a night that was!).

 

This record already outstrips every hat I’ve ever had, including the Peaky Blinder. As I submit this report to hedgegrower, ridiculously late even for me, the record of the Bobbleless Blue now reads: played 12, won 10, drawn 2.

 

Back to the 60s

 

To pass the time, I’m reading the Trevor Porteous Benefit Game Souvenir Brochure from October 1965, kindly given to me by Stafford earlier in the week, who is fully aware that Porteous is one of the former County Players whom I most admire, as one of the best servants the Club has ever had. 

 

Quick Trevor Porteous quiz - how many times was he transferred during his playing career? I’ll give you the answer later. 

 

The brochure gives insight into a world long since gone.

 

The 4^th Division was created at the end of the 1958 / 1959 season, which County narrowly managed to avoid by finishing in the top half of Division 3 North.

 

Trevor was “wired” whilst on holiday in 1963 asking him to return to Edgeley Park, where upon his arrival, he was offered the role of Caretaker Manager.

 

An article by sports-writer Paul Doherty asking “How long can 4^th Division Football go on”, explained that clubs needed an average gate of 6,000, plus daily draws, lucky numbers, raffle, bingo and penny-on-the-ball just to break even, and that 18 clubs were currently falling short.

 

Paul went on to declare that “this doom & gloom, soon-to-be-forgotten, god-forsaken section of The Football League would last less than 5 years”.

 

There was an interesting “Where are they now” section, revealing what former County Players did to earn money after hanging up their boots for the last time.

 

Harry Hardy (SCAN 238) played the oboe professionally for 13 years and was caretaker at The War Memorial in Stockport, very poignant considering it is Remembrance weekend. 

 

Alf Forrest (Fosh) (SCAN 250) was steward at the Cale Green Conservative Club and landlord at the Farmers Arms in Brinnington.

 

There was Billy Watson, who worked for Stockport Town’s cleansing department and Charlie Gee (SCAN 362) who taught woodwork.

 

The view of current County Chairman, Victor Bernard, was that “benefit games amounted to nothing more than unseemly begging”. He went on to suggest that Clubs should set aside £75 per season for players to create a retirement nest egg.

 

Details of the deal that brought Trevor to Edgeley Park from Hull were provided by former Chairman Herbert Brooks. The fee was £1,050, £50 of which went to the 22 year old, who would receive £14 per first-team appearance, £12 per second-team and £10 a week during the off season.

 

This was the only occasion on which Trevor Porteous was transferred during his entire playing career.

 

Out Damned Spot!

 

Time for lunch.

 

To complement our sausage rolls, I’ve brought along some baby beetroots in a sweet chilli marinade, now readily available from many supermarkets.

 

As I have no fork, I’ll now have a purple thumb, purple finger and purple lips for the remainder of the day. Not quite the Black Fingernail, but quite striking none-the-less. 

 

One of the beets is so large I have to use both hands and 4 bites to get it down me.

 

What’s that, you don’t want your sausage roll, well hand it over then, I’ll force it down.

 

There’s just time to read Beer, the quarterly magazine sent to CAMRA Members, which features The Strawberry Thief, the pub that won Best New-Build in 2022. It’s in Swindon, well, a place called Tadpole Village. Better add it to the list I suppose.

 

We arrive at Bristol Parkway to discover that the connecting train to Swindon has been cancelled. However, being a lucky chap, I find the earlier train stood at the platform, and eventually manage to squeeze on in the last door I try.

 

I’m getting a lot of strange looks. A mix of “that’s all we need, one more crammed in” and apparent admiration of the Bobbleless Blue, which I have to say is rather eye-catching.

 

Some of my fellow passengers are almost staring, and although the journey is only 20 minutes, I’m feeling distinctly uneasy by the time I get off.

 

We’ve actually arrived in Swindon too early to check in to the hotel, and so are therefore forced to start proceedings earlier than planned.

 

At the station exit I buy a remembrance poppy from an old chap in uniform, who is very impressed with my scarf when I show it to him and explain all about it. 

 

The Queens Tap, which faces the station, is where we’ll go. I’m going to have Local Hero brewed by People’s Captain, which the Landlady informs me is raising money for a local mental health charity.

 

What’s that, you’ll have the Sea Fury brewed by Sharp’s? Did you know that this used to be called Special, or Spesh if ordering in Cornwall?

 

The Local Hero is very good. How is the Spesh?

 

I’ve noticed that I’m still getting strange looks, despite having removed my hat. What is it with Swindon folk? How rude!

 

We find the hotel easily enough, despite a huge construction site. More strange looks as I order breakfast whilst checking in.

 

After laying out my pyjamas, I’m having a pee prior to setting out to explore Swindon. There is a mirror facing me, and to my horror, I find out why everyone has been staring at me.

 

It’s nothing to do with the hat, I have a bright purple beetroot stain on the tip of my nose. As I look down in despair, my pee is also bright purple, and whilst this was expected, it serves to heap mockery upon mockery.

 

The stain is perfectly round, about the size of a pound coin, and precisely positioned on the tip of my nose. It is so uniform; it actually looks like I’ve done it deliberately. Think Phoenix Nights face-paint without the whiskers. 

 

I vigorously wash my face, but the stain won’t shift. What’s more, I’d made things worse as my whole nose is now red from the rubbing.

 

Sod this, I’m going out.

 

A Sticky Start

 

The Glue Pot is my first port-of-call, a pub listed in the Good Beer Guide. Upon entering, you can see why. 7 real ales, 2 of which are stouts, and 11 real ciders.

 

The venue is very busy for early evening, even for a Friday. I’m going to have the Oatmeal Stout from Downton. You? The Moonstruck, also from Downton. Ok, but I think that’s a bit too strong for this time of day.

 

There are blackboards list the ales and ciders, and a further blackboard providing tasting notes. Excellent stuff, as is the beer.

 

We probably won’t have time to return to the Glue Pot, so I’m going to make the most of it. I’ll try the other stout, the Entire Stout from Hop Back.

 

And for you? The Pig Squeal Cider from Snail’s Bank. You know that’s 7% don’t you? You need to pace yourself.

 

The Glue Pot describes itself as “An oasis of calm and civility” and it is. We must try to get back here at some point. It has the same sort of vibe as Ye Olde Vic.

 

I pick up a spare CAMRA Swindon Ale Trail leaflet, and off we go to try and find something to eat.

 

Still getting lots of looks, but there is no point in trying to explain. The stain is too geometrically perfect to be dismissed as a birthmark.

 

Off to Drink Valley a pub that brews its own beer on the premises and also has an Indian kitchen as well. It doesn’t get any better than that!

 

Their Coffee Porter is full on and right up my street. Excellent. The Blue Sky Drinking from Arbor for you.

 

I’m going to have the Hyderbadi Fish and you’ve already chosen the Chilli Garlic Mussels.

 

Across the pedestrianised street is the Sir Daniel Arms, one of the 2 Wetherspoons in Swindon. It was named after Sir Daniel Gooch who proposed that the Great Western Railway Works should be built in Swindon and then ran the works which subsequently dominated Swindon for nearly 150 years.

 

The pub is about the same size as Calverts Court, albeit squarer, yet there are only 2 staff on the bar, one of whom also has to deliver food to customer’s tables.

 

I eventually manage to order the Ossian (an oatmeal stout) from Inveralmond for me, and a Scallywag from Hop Union for you. Whilst waiting, I get chatting with one of the regulars at the bar, who advises that it’s always like this. How are they going to cope with The Blue Army tomorrow?

 

I buy my new friend a pint of Abbot Ale in order to encourage him off Stella and on to proper beer.

 

Another Good Beer Guide pub next, the Wyvern Tavern, where I have the Port Stout from Hanlons, and you try Mission Ridge from the Bristol Beer Factory. Hold on, how can it be my round again!

 

Here, I bump into Froggy (no picture required, you know what Froggy looks like), who tells me he is staying 4 nights. I feel like such a lightweight.

 

On the way back to the hotel, we’ll familiarise ourselves with the other Wetherspoons, the Savoy, in preparation for tomorrow.

 

This used to be a cinema and is therefore huge. Better staffed than the Sir Daniel, and it feels like someone is actually in charge here.

 

You’re having Canteen Cowboy from Twisted, and I’m having the Dark Island from Orkney, a beer well known to me. The beer is a little disappointing.

 

One final stop, a place called Rudi’s which is near the hotel, and offers breakfast and 4 real ales, so must be checked out.

 

No real ale is available, and there hasn’t been any for years. I’ll update What?ub.com when I get home. This probably did me a favour really. Time for bed.

 

More 60s

 

On the morning of the game, I’m watching That’s 60s on the TV, who seem to have some sort of Stockport County medley going on.

 

You are my County, my only County….

 

Those were the days my friend, up in the Cheadle End…..

 

One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over Crewe……….

 

Let me take you by the hand and lead you through the streets of Stockport….

 

Surely this has to be a good omen?

 

Following a shower, my face-paint has finally been removed, so I can now face the world with confidence once again.

 

It’s going to be a bit nippy today, so I’m wearing my Isle of Man 1999 Hatters on tour sweatshirt.

 

I’ve heard tell that the firm that provides the pies at The County Ground also supplies Harrods, so expectations are sky-high in the pie department!

 

Nevertheless, a decent breakfast is required. The breakfast at the Travelodge is pretty basic. No bubble & squeak, no black pudding, no haggis. That said, I still make to most of it, with the availability of peanut butter and Nutella extending my meal beyond the 2-minute silence, today being Armistice Day of course.

 

I’m last to leave the breakfast room. That should keep me going until I sink my teeth into a Harrods pie. Can you imagine it? Drool…………..

 

The Biggest I’ve Ever Eaten

 

The plan is to visit both Wetherspoons to get pictures of The Blue Army, get to the County Ground by 2.30pm for pie, and then visit the Beehive after the game, which features in the Good Beer Guide.

 

I test that my camera is working before I set off, on this bird that has been hassling me all morning.

 

Approaching the Savoy from the back, you can really appreciate the sheer scale of the place.

 

No sign of the Blue Army inside, where there is a long queue at the bar. I won’t be getting a drink before Noon at this rate. Why are both Wetherspoons in Swindon so woefully staffed?

 

I eventually manage to get hold of a pint of Winter Wisp brewed by Oakham, which turns out to be rather excellent.

 

In the absence of any County fans, I sit with a Swindon Supporter and his young nephew, in order to try and find out why the wheels appear to have come off down here in Wiltshire.

 

When I booked the trip, Swindon were 4^th in the League, so I was expecting a table topping clash, but Swindon are now in the bottom half, and out of the FA Cup, humbled by Aldershot, who we’ve now drawn in the second round.

 

The guy I’m talking to walked out on Swindon Town at half-time during the Cup game, the first time he has done so in 30 years watching them. Ouch!

 

The Swindon fans seem genuinely baffled as to their recent form, and would be very happy with a draw today, as would I (this run can’t go on forever, let’s be sensible). We agree that a 3-3 draw would be ideal.

 

The queue is now twice as long, and some of the Blue Army are patiently waiting for their breakfast and beer.

 

I’m not queuing up again, so I’m off back to the Wyvern Tavern. On my way out, I encounter Gill & Jamie from Gloucester, hence their relatively early arrival. 

On the way, I buy a copy of the Swindon Advertiser in order to check out the big match build up.

 

In the Wyvern, I bump into Froggy again, same table, same seat as last night. Surely he can’t have been here all night. I have the Independence brewed by Bristol Beer Factory, which is way past its best.

 

Also in the Wyvern are Kevin and Mike from the Isle of Wight. 

 

In the Swindon Advertiser, the Swindon Town Manager is basically saying that if they can beat Stockport today, then all will be forgiven. There is also a weird article about Russ Johnson’s County podcast.

 

Froggy and I decide to go the Drink Valley, where we chat to the Landlady about Diwali. The venue will be closed tomorrow for maintenance, meaning they can all celebrate Diwali together. This time I try the Blue Sky Drinking from Arbor, which is very nice.

 

Right, off to the Sir Daniel to get pictures of the Blue Army. No sign of them. How odd. Camera isn’t working anyway, so probably a good job.

 

I’m drinking the Flyin’ Try from Hop Union, which is decent enough.

 

The toilets are upstairs and as far away as it is possible to be, even for a Wetherspoons. I reckon the toilet in Drink Valley across the street is closer. Anyway, I find the Blue Army upstairs, but can’t get my camera to work.

 

It’s really too warm to wear the lucky hat, but as you know, an unworn hat is an unlucky hat, so it has to be done.

 

It’s 2.45 by the time we get to the ground, and when I get in there is a huge queue for the Harrods pies, so I decide to leave it until half-time and take my seat. I’ve lost Froggy somewhere along the way.

 

The County faithful are in tremendous voice.

 

The 2-minute silence, which I find particularly poignant, today being the 11^th, is impeccably observed by all.

 

The weather is so warm that several Swindon players discard their under-shirts early in the first half. I wish I wasn’t wearing a sweatshirt.

 

After 35 minutes, with County one down to a deflected shot and having lost Sarcevic injured, I head off to procure the legendary Harrods pie, as for some reason or other, I seem to need a pee.

 

Pies are not listed on the menu! Away fans are not allowed the pies! I opt for the 10 inch sausage roll. 10 inches my bum, it must be 18 inches at least. It’s the biggest sausage roll I’ve ever seen, never mind tried to eat. £3.40 - what value.

 

But eat it I do, although it does take the whole of half-time to do so.

 

Oh, how I love League Two, surely the best League in the world! You can shove your Premiership. What a game, 2 sides going full tilt to win the game. Swindon were good, play-offs good, but County were better, Championship better.

 

Through sheer will (Collar), hard graft and excellent play, County get the job done and the unbelievable run continues.

 

Swindon Old Town

 

Some helpful stewards give me directions into Swindon Old Town, which should be about a 20 minute walk, but somehow I miss the Beehive, and end up in a huge food-led venue called the Goddard Arms, which is also on my list, so all is well.

 

Close inspection of my beer-map reveals that I wasn’t on the road I thought I was, but no matter.

 

The Fortyniner from Ringwood brewery is rather underwhelming.

 

Close by, the Steam Railway should have 4 ales, but only Doombar is available. Pass.

 

Just along the road is the Wheatsheaf, where the Horizon from Wadworth is good. There are County fans in here, including one from the Isle of Man who spots my sweatshirt.

 

The Tap & Brew is the home of the Hop Kettle Brewery. Standing room only, but I manage to find a spot and greatly enjoy their Long Nights Stout.

 

Across the road is the Hop Inn, Good Beer Guide listed, where my interest in the beer selection prompts a chat with The Landlord, who awards me a Hop Lover badge. I try the Session IPA from Green Duck, which is in tip-top condition.

 

Next door is the Little Hop, which is also in The Good Beer Guide, where I enjoy the Fairy-tale from Brew York.

 

Many hours later than planned, I eventually end up in The Beehive, meaning that I’ve now ticked off all of the Good Beer Guide pubs, and, with a day to spare.

 

There is live music and the Darktide from Greene King is really good.

 

I’m back in my room in time for the EFL Show, and amazingly manage to stay awake to relive County’s magnificent performance earlier.    

 

Taking it Easy

 

I wake up in time to watch the EFL Show again. Happy days.

 

Today, I’m wearing my National League North Champions polo-shirt. Why wasn’t there one for winning the National League?

 

In the course of regrouping, I realise that only 2 pubs on my list remain unvisited. The whole idea of staying an extra night was to be able to have a leisurely afternoon / evening in Swindon Old Town, and of course avoid the railway engineering works scheduled for today.

 

Due to a total lack of self-control yesterday, I’ve already covered most of Old Town. However, it will be nice to revisit some of the better ones, when hopefully it will be a bit quieter.

 

So, off I head into Swindon Old Town to find some lunch.

 

The Kings is basically a hotel with a large bar / restaurant. The food is carvery only, so I decide to wait for other opportunities. I do stay to try the beer though, 3B from Arkell’s, my first Arkell’s of the trip, which given that they are the main brewery in Swindon, is amazing.

 

Arkell’s are Swindon’s equivalent of our Robinsons. The main difference, aside from geography, is that their beer is awful, and Robinsons is excellent. Not a great start to the day.

 

The weather today, is a lot nicer than yesterday, i.e. it’s cold and wet.

 

Although the beer in the Goddard Arms wasn’t that great yesterday, I did like the look of the menu, so I decide to eat there.

 

I’m in a grazing mood, so I order the Chilli Glazed Sausages and the Crispy Sweet Potato Falafel. Very nice too. Washed down with St. Austell Tribute, which was good.

 

By the time I leave, it’s getting very busy, with a 40 minute wait for food.

 

The Tuppenny wasn’t on my list, but it got a mention in the Swindon Ale Trail leaflet, so in I go. Very nice indeed, Bright Idea from Green Duck.

 

I’ve managed to get a copy of the Football League Paper, which reports that County’s Cup game against Aldershot, will now be played Sunday 3^rd December kicking off at 2pm. What a jip! The game isn’t even going to be televised. What is the point? Yet again, Supporters are bottom of the agenda, no, we’re not even on the agenda!

 

According to the Swindon Manager, his players should watch the Stockport players and learn how to play football properly.

 

There’s this weird bar called the External Optimist (surely it should be called the Eternal Hoptimist?) near here, which I couldn’t find it last night, and I’ve already walked past where it should be once today.

 

Yet there it is, with tiny (trendy) signage situated on the first and second floors above a huge Spanish Restaurant called Los Gatos. Only open Thursday, Friday and Saturday, which upon close inspection of my beer map, I already knew!

 

I’ve blown it. What a shame. Heaven only knows when I’ll be back in Swindon.

 

So, it’s back to revisit the Hop Inn. 8 ales available. I turn down the Head from Otter (5.8%), and opt for the Haka from Ramsbury. The best so far today.

 

According to The Football League Paper, the star man was Swindon’s Daniel Kemp. Surely Collar should have taken the award. Ridiculous.

 

Froggy walks in! Thought he was spending the day in Devizes?

 

I’ve finished with the paper, so Froggy can have a read. I tip him off about the Aldershot debacle before heading next door to the Tap & Brew. All of the pubs are very close to each other down here in Old Town, embellishing the leisurely approach I’m adopting today.

 

You’ll recall that this is the home of the Hop Kettle Brewery. I indulge in a paddle, well half a paddle technically as a paddle here consists of 6 thirds. The ales, all from Hop Kettle of course, are Element, Morning Star and Neonate, and all very good.

 

I’ve managed to find a table, so I’m enjoying this much more than last night, when I had to stand in the doorway.

 

I’m so settled, that I stay for another, the same one as last night, the Long Nights Stout, once again excellent.

 

Not only am I revisiting venues, I’m now drinking the same ales as yesterday.

 

One more to tick off (again) before heading to The Jewell in the Crown Indian Restaurant I spotted on my way from the hotel, the Little Hop, where I try Magic Mountain from Arbor, which is no better than ok.

 

Ali’s Personal Stash

 

Time to eat. I order a mixed kabab to start, but then I notice Bombay Duck tucked away at the bottom of the list of sundries. And it’s only a quid. I haven’t had Bombay Duck since I lived with my parents down in Sutton Coldfield, decades ago.

 

I was told in my favourite restaurant at the time, that you were no longer allowed to import Bombay Duck, and that was 1985! It is excellent, so I order another.

 

Bombay Duck is basically dried fish deep fried. Imagine fish flavoured scratchings, and you’ve got it.

 

The owner comes over to introduce himself (Ali) and asks if I’m enjoying his Bombay Duck. When I enquire as to why it’s allowed, he advises that it’s permitted to import it for your personal use, so technically I’m eating his Bombay Duck.

 

The Lamb Tikka Balti is superb, one of the best I’ve had outside of Birmingham. I’m asked if I’d like anything else, and after a brief hesitation, I order 2 more Bombay Ducks.   

 

4 Bombay Ducks! That’s almost half a shoal.

 

 

Ali comes over and asks if he can get me a drink and join me for some Bombay Duck. So, there we sit, munching Bombay Duck, me with a large Jamesons (on the house).

 

I get Ali’s life story, who is now semi-retired and enjoying life. He is very much in charge in here though, advising and guiding staff as to the standards required, which I have to say are high indeed.

 

As I set off for the Beehive for my final beer of the evening, Diwali is in full swing. Fireworks aplenty. Celebrating the triumph of light over dark. Brilliant.

 

My final beer of the trip is New Harvest from Cotleigh. A nice beer to finish on.

 

The leisurely amble is over.  

        

Game Over

 

This morning I’m wearing my Stockport Blues & Roots Festival t-shirt.

 

Overall, I’ve really enjoyed Swindon, and would certainly come back.

 

All 6 Good Beer Guide pubs were superb, with the Tuppenny and the Tap & Brew surely in with a shout of getting into the 2025 Guide. But, what is up with the Wetherspoons?

 

A shame that I didn’t remember that the Eternal Optimist isn’t open on Sundays, so that will have to wait until next season when we play Swindon in the FA Cup second round.

 

By the time I check out of the hotel, the Lamb Tikka Balti and it’s fishy friends are long gone.

 

Next up, 3 nights in Morecambe - see you there!

 

 

Man in a Hat