Dare You Analyse Your Lucky Pants?

Firstly, let’s deal with the question I posed last time - what’s the only thing better than a viaduct? The answer is - a wet viaduct.

Your question this time is - what’s the only food that can’t be improved by adding cheese? 

We’ve all got lucky pants, right? Sometimes it may not be pants, it may be a hat, scarf, shirt etc. No matter.  What ever your lucky item is, there is now a scientific method to determine how lucky it is. Although this article is pants, you can try this method out with whatever item you like.

For years, football supporters have claimed that their lucky pants were solely responsible for famous victories of their clubs. Not surprisingly, this has been proven to be absolute nonsense.

                                                  Neat little number regularly worn by 
                                                   the Editor during ( relegation)
                                                      season 2012/13   

Amazingly, it has been determined that the result of a match is almost entirely down to the motivational skills of the management team and the performance levels of the players involved. 

But there is also an element of luck involved, which is where the pants come in. Given the recent ongoing demise of County, supporters could be forgiven for torching anything historically regarded as lucky!    

                                                         Again our Editors sartorial  selection

                                                         this time more successful- his Wembley

                                                         ware in 2008 

However, below is a table of events over which it is now known that lucky pants have a direct influence. It must be emphasised that this is only applicable if the pants are actually present at the match, i.e. watching the match on television or listening on the radio is not sufficient.

The table gives you a starting 11, and also indicates the number of points for each occurrence of the event, e.g. should the opposition hit the woodwork twice that would give 6 points. The table is not exhaustive, i.e. you can introduce your own events (subs) if you wish. Each event can be either lucky or unlucky.

TABLE OF EVENTS

EVENT (points)	LUCKY	No.	Tot	UNLUCKY	No.	Tot
Own Goal (3)	own goal by rivals			own goal by County
Fluke Goal (3)	unintentional County goal			unintentional rivals goal
Woodwork (3)	rivals hit woodwork			County hit woodwork
Dodgy Penalty (3)	County given dodgy Pen			dodgy Pen for rivals
Goal Disallowed (3)	rivals goal ruled out			County goal ruled out
Biased Ref (2)	referee biased to County			referee biased to rivals
Injury (2)	rival player injured			County player injured
Sending Off (2)	rival player sent off			County player sent off
Ricochet (1)	fortunate ricochet			unfortunate ricochet
Off Side (1)	bad off side for rivals			bad off side for County
Linesman (1)	intrusion in County favour			intrusion against County
	LUCKY GRAND TOTAL			UNLUCKY GRAND TOTAL
	- UNLUCKY GRAND TOTAL			(carried down)
	= OVERALL LUCK RATING			(could be minus figure)

Simply keep score during a match and then total up at the end. As the season goes on you will become more skilled at this. You will need to take copies of the table for each match (available upon request).

Some weeks, you may need to verify your observations through the usual post mortem in the pub.

Once you’re happy that your table is complete, add up the lucky column, add up the unlucky column, and then deduct one from the other. Note that your final score may sometimes be a minus figure.

Once you have your final score, refer to the Ratings Guide below, and decide how best to proceed. 

RATINGS GUIDE

SCORE	RATING	ACTION REQUIRED
more than plus 20	no ones pants are luckier	your duty to wear every match & never clean
plus 10 to plus 20	very lucky pants	always try to wear, occasional cleaning ok
zero to plus 10	fairly lucky pants	a promising start, wear regularly to match
zero	can’t say if lucky or not	try again, perhaps inside out or back to front
zero to minus 10	fairly unlucky pants	put to one side, try again later in season
minus 10 to minus 20	very unlucky pants	not to be worn on match day under any circs
less than minus 20	your pants are cursed	ceremonial burning as soon as possible*

*this may seem to be drastic action, but you can’t risk accidentally wearing the cursed pants on matchday ever again.

With the exception of the cursed pants, which must be disposed of in the most spectacular and public fashion possible, you will find that the form of your pants will fluctuate in the same way as it does for players. 

So, just because your pants get a negative score one week, this does not necessarily mean writing them off completely. It may just be a case of improving the training they’re given in the build up to match day.

Dare you analyse your favourite pants???? (score sheets available on request).

Let it be known that these views are my own, and do not necessarily reflect the collective views of Help the Hatters.